Friday, June 22, 2012

Fix It Fridays: The Eagle, Centurion, etc.

Welcome, boys and girls, to the return of Fix It Fridays! 

So, there are these movies that hot men love to star in because they get to play with swords and because of Gladiator and the 300, the studios like to greenlight them because they believe they will make pots of money, but I would like to put out a request into the universe that the studios and the hot guys find better ways to spend their time and money. 

There are several of them.  The Eagle - Channing Tatum goes north to reclaim the Eagle standard thingy that a Roman general lost in northern England and fights the Picts and... I dunno, I got bored.  King Arthur - Turns out the legendary king was really a Roman soldier (Clive Owen for the win!), in northern England, straddling Hadrian's wall and fighting the Picts,  That sound you heard was my head exploding from the force of the historical inaccuracies.  Centurion - Michael Fassbender leads a ragtag band of Roman soldiers trying to survive behind enemy lines in northern England and fights the Picts and there's this hot chick with a spear out to kill all of them and I started rooting for them all to die so the movie would end. 

See, here's the problem.  I can't root for the Romans.  The Romans are the bad guys.  But the hot guys are all fighting on the Roman side.  WTF?  The Romans come north to make the world Rome and rape and kill and do all the things the Bad Guys do in Braveheart... so we're supposed to want them to win?  Y'all, I'm rooting for the Picts all the way.  In Gladiator, we rooted for Russell Crowe because he was the underdog, he'd been wronged, and he was fighting for his life - not to enslave or imprison others.  In the 300, we root for those plucky Spartans because they are defending their homes and loved ones.  In The Eagle & King Arthur & The Centurion, our heroes are the ones storming into someone else's homeland and declaring themselves rulers of the universe, raping, cutting out tongues, and pillaging.  They don't have loved ones to defend (there are no Roman women in England) and the Picts were certainly not threatening to storm the Colleseum.  They are In The Wrong.

No matter how many noble individual motives and grandiose lines of dialogue you throw at me, I'm still gonna root against them.  Far as I can see it, there are only two ways to fix these movies - 1) Make the Picts the heroes and give them a hot celebrity to fight on their side.  Or 2) Stop making these damn movies. Give me someone I can actually root for.  Because I like hot guys with swords.  I'd like to not be rooting for them all to die.

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