The Whole Truth

So last week I lied. And y'all tried to spot the lie. And a surprising number of you caught me.

Dude, I was hoping to fool more of you. I tried to make my truths ridiculous and my lies believable, but apparently, I am an epic fail. No poker for me. My bluffing sucks. And now, for the record, The Straight Scoop:

1. I have answered the phone to find Tobey Maguire on the other end of the line and worked on a film for which someone other than myself was nominated for an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, & a Screen Actors Guild Award. TRUE. Patricia Clarkson was nominated for just about every supporting actress award for Pieces of April. Tobey Maguire was the "it" boy of the moment cuz Spiderman had just released & he just happened to be friends with the producer I was working for during my brief and ill-fated sojourn into the film industry. So, I have to ask, would you have been more or less likely to believe me if I'd told you it was Sigourney Weaver? Katie Holmes? Or if I said I'd been backstage at Conan O'Brien talking to someone in a prom dress? Do any of those make a better story?

2. I rode a camel in Morocco, but I have never been south of the equator - the lack of which eats away at my soul. TRUE. Sadly. I'm desperate to get below the equator. Soon... very soon... Australia is calling me.

3. I was valedictorian of my high school, a National Merit scholar and in Mensa - but I can't tell my left from my right. TRUE. Right and left are tricky bastards. They move around on you. My left, your left, stage left, leftfield... any one of those might not actually be to the left at any given moment. They are trying to mess with my brain. North and south are awesome. They don't try to screw with you by moving all around. I don't have any trouble with the compass points. And they like me, so take that made up directional left/right-ness! (If you read my books and I say someone is pointing their right hand, I have no idea which hand is pointing. No joke.)

4. I once had my head stapled shut after gashing it on the ceiling, didn't get home from the emergency room until two in the morning and went to my 7:30am class the next day. (Did you know there is something called the halo effect where head wounds close to the brain seem to hurt several inches above your actual skull? Soooo weird.) TRUE. The guys who took me to the hospital got special permission from the ER folks so they could all be in the room watching when the doctor took a staple gun to my head. It made this great whir-ka-chunk noise. You can't beat the sound of staples in your scalp, baby.

5. I hate earthquakes, thunderstorms, and blizzards, but love the natural power of tornadoes. I blame The Wizard of Oz. Tornadoes=magic. BIG FAT LIE. Oh-my-freaking-god do I ever hate tornadoes. They freak the hell out of me. I grew up with earthquakes & blizzards (love 'em) and took to thunderstorms right off (love love love!) but tornadoes give me the heebie-jeebies. I once heard a tornado warning on the radio when I was driving through Mississippi and, not knowing what county I was in, had no idea if it applied to my area. This led to three straight hours of me freaking out and watching the horizon, preparing to drive my car to the side of the road and go lie flat in a ditch if I saw anything funnely. Good times.

6. I once cried and nearly hyperventilated between sparring and board breaking during a karate belt test. And passed the test. (Never discount the sympathy vote in martial arts.) TRUE, actually. This one does surprise most people who know me well. I'm not usually much of a crier. To explain, there was a freaking ton of adrenaline in my system and I was trying to calm down after sparring (which always wigs me out, I'll be honest - I'm a grappler or a run-away-er by nature and standing there, waiting for someone to take a swing at me, is so not my thing) and my body decided the handiest outlet for my adrenaline high was great gulping sobs and big fat tears. First and only time it's ever happened. So I'm kneeling on the floor, making this awful heee-heee noise and my sensei tells me I have to break. I get up (still sobbing), position my boards, and break 'em all first try. And the hysterics magically stop. Attacking boards is apparently a hella effective way of relieving an adrenaline overload.

7. I can both lead and follow lindy hop. If you don't know what that means, you are in the majority, and while I refuse to explain, I will tell you that I did it at RT with Jess Granger and it was awesome. (Kinky girl-on-girl lindy... ooooooh.) TRUE. Lindy hop is a swing dance. I love it because it has this fabulous blend of totally-nerdy and bizarrely-cool, which is my favorite ever. Behold the lindy-ness: