Watchmen ***Lots of Spoilers***

I love movies and I love superheroes, so there are few things more absolutely guaranteed to get my butt into the seats on opening day than a superhero movie. I wanted to love Watchmen. I wanted it to be perfect.

I am sad to report that it was not perfect. It wasn't bad, but it just didn't make the A+++ grade I had hoped it would achieve. I know that my expectations were too high. If I'd expected crap, I probably would be hailing it as brilliant right now. Unfortunately, I did not expect crap and I am left with distinctly mixed feelings about this movie. Oddly enough, my four main complaints are also four of the things that I liked the most.

1) Music. The use of Nat King Cole's Unforgettable and Jimmy Hendrix's Watchtower were both inspired, in my opinion. But the romantic moment when a dolled up Silk Spectre sees the dorkily dolled up Nite Owl in a slow-mo romantic montage... accompanied by 99 Red Balloons?!? What kind of crack were they smoking when they made that musical choice? I know it's the 80s, but please. Just please.

2) Little Moments. There were little moments of brilliance (I looooved the Smiley face with the drop of blood flipping down any time it did any flipping) and there were moments of gratuitous ridiculousness (SEX! SEX! SEX!) and moments of almost insulting heavy-handedness (really? we needed that flashback? cuz the movie is so fricking long we can't remember that scene from the beginning? Arg. I have a thing about flashbacks. They should convey new information to the viewer, otherwise, they should go die on the cutting room floor with the unnecessary, clinically unromantic, gratuitous SEX! SEX! SEX! scenes).

3) Casting. Again, a mixed bag. Rorschach was amazing. Beyond amazing. He rocked my world. Good lord that man was perfect. Heaven. I will build monuments to him. The Comedian also kicked some ass. Perfectly cast. I hated the wimpy annoying Nite Owl, but I think I was supposed to find the quitter pathetic, so that kinda worked for me. And Billy Cruddup was Billy Cruddup. 'Nuf said. There were really only two casting choices that had me doing a double take. 1) Malin Akerman as Silk Spectre (the younger) and 2) Matthew Goode as Ozymandias. Okay, so here are my issues. The second incarnation of Silk Spectre is supposed to be young isn' t she? A nubile young thing. She is referred to as "jailbait" (though admittedly that is during a flashback). Malin Akerman is thirty and looks like she could easily play older. Seriously? Jailbait? And the romance between her and Nite Owl just did not play. Can we say complete lack of chemistry, boys and girls? Then there was Ozymandias. I'm sorry, but the man last seen Chasing Liberty is not my idea of a highly cerebral, faster-than-a-speeding-bullet supervillain. His babyface and weird accent made him seem almost effeminate (was he supposed to be gay?) which might have worked if he were even remotely imposing. That boy is not a captain of industry and he sure as hell isn't "the smartest man in the world" which he is called. Repeatedly. I didn't buy it. Which meant he wasn't credible as a threat. Which totally diffused the tension of the big finish. Bummer bummer bummer.

4) Mythology/Worldbuilding. One of my favorite things about paranormal movies & books is being taken into the world. Learning the mythology of that reality. This world was supposed to be a fairly tight parallel to ours (drifting off most drastically when we won Vietnam with the help of Dr. Manhattan & re-elected Nixon five times). So how do these superheroes become superheroes? Genesis is important in any hero flick, but this is glossed over pretty quickly in Watchmen. And, from what I can tell, only Dr. Manhattan suffered an accident that turned him super. All of the others just put on masks. No radio-active spiders. No aliens from Krypton. No Bruce Wayne gadgets. No mutant DNA. Nada. So here is my question: how exactly are they so much stronger and faster than the plebeian bad guys they kick the crap out of? When Nite Owl & Silk Spectre are surrounded by a gang of thugs with weapons, outnumbered at least ten to one, how do they come away without a scratch? Is it superior training? What makes them so special? I'm not questioning that they are special; I just want to know how.

That's it. I really did like this movie. I swear. But I wanted so badly to love it, which I just couldn't do.